Porn Tales & Sex Demons – Eavesdropping on Therapy
Why would I write such a thing
After 10 years practicing as a psychotherapist with a focus on sexual concerns, I noticed that sex remained on the fringe of discussions in many psychotherapy consulting rooms. With children watching porn in their bedrooms, and the dark web predators targeting young people to engage, I decided that more open talk about sex was badly needed. Porn Tales & Sex Demons challenges the untethered access to porn by children, especially those entangled by distortions in their sexual development initiated by childhood sexual trauma. Exposure to internet porn at a young age alone could now be that trauma. I also wanted to reject dominant societal views of heteronormativity by embracing gender fluidity. I hope my book contributes to the movement against ongoing sexual oppression.
The evolving story:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons was originally conceived as a creative non-fiction, based on my life experiences and the many client sexual concerns I’ve worked with in my practice. In order to protect privacy and confidentiality, the book has been fictionalized. Consequently, it morphed into a novel that doesn’t exactly fit neatly into one genre. It is written entirely in dialogue, therapy session notes, and private journal entries, without analytic jargon. I wrote it in this unconventional style to demystify psychotherapy, and model accessible language. The dialogue draws the reader into the core of the characters’ stories, encouraging resonance with the reader’s own concerns. My hope is to help develop a sexual language still in its infancy, while inspiring readers to begin the conversation.
Synopsis:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons is a ‘fly on the wall’ story about the mess of sexuality and the shame we don’t talk about. The ‘wall’ is in a queer psychotherapist’s consulting room. The narrative switches between the stories of Bailey, a therapist, and two 20-30 year old clients. Evan, who is 23, was raised in a hyper-sexualized environment, is vulnerable to abuse, engages in reckless sexual behaviour, and is confused about their gender identity, orientation, and disturbing erotic fantasies. Sebastian, nearing 30, was babied and coddled by his parents. He suffers debilitating erectile disfunction and a numbing dread that he might be gay. Both clients have been watching porn since they were preteens.
In their sessions with Bailey both clients go back and forth over the pros and cons of porn. Bailey explains how porn hijacks them, muddies their personal erotic fantasies, and dilutes their confidence and agency… while also admitting that ethical porn is not an oxymoron.
In bed, Bailey thinks out loud to their partner, Sleepyhead, about psychoanalytic theories, in an attempt to make sense of their clients’ distressing stories of rape, obsessive porn use, and the damage of childhood sexual abuse. Bailey fears that online porn is hijacking young people and luring them away from their authentic erotic fantasies and preferences. They worry that their clients’ persistent use of mainstream porn will block them from finding what’s real in the world—outside of their infantile omnipotent control, and will lead to the objectifying of others as body parts. Bailey also extrapolates on the theories of a renowned psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, helping their clients to find ‘real’ people beyond the virtual world they’re caught-up in.
Bailey is haunted by their own sexual traumas. They make mistakes, and question their competence to work in this dangerous area. Eventually, by facing their own demons, Bailey steers their clients back to their genuine sexual impulses, without condescension. Bailey helps them frame their gender identity, and own their sexual desires.
Readers:
Porn Tales & Sex Demons is written for millennials, digital natives, therapists, parents raising pre-teens, and anyone disturbed by their sexuality.
My thoughts:
My clients are often troubled by their erotic interests. They are confused and embarrassed by their own violent sexual fantasies or by dark sexual acts they’ve seen online or experienced in their lives. Understanding that fantasies aren’t the same as actions—that fantasizing about raping or being raped doesn’t mean that you want to actually engage in that activity—is vital. They often harshly judge themselves. By replacing self judgement with curiosity about the genesis of their passions and by uncovering the idiosyncratic meanings of their fantasies, shame can be dissolved. Free erotic play then becomes a possibility.