What do you learn about sex,
if your teacher is porn?
What haunts you in the wake
of childhood abuse?
Can you be queer without shame—
turn shit into gold?
SYNOPSIS: kNOw PORN, kNOw SEX
BAILEY is a queer psychotherapist working with young adult clients, EVAN (23) and SEBASTIAN (30).
Evan, who is also queer, needs help unpacking their childhood. They are vulnerable to abuse, having grown up in a hyper-sexualized environment with abusive, warring parents and sexual interference from several people. Evan blames themself for not wanting to participate in specific sexual acts that ‘everyone is doing.’ They engage in sexually reckless behavior ‘to feel something’ and argues with Bailey about porn not being all bad—ethical porn is not an oxymoron.
Sebastian was babied and coddled by his parents. He suffers debilitating erectile dysfunction and a numbing dread that he might be gay. Both clients have been watching porn since they were preteens, and both use the mechanism of dissociation as self-preservation from sexual interference.
Sebastian and Bailey work together to demystify his nightmares and uncover why the porn he watches is different than the sex he has with partners, some of whom he has only known for a few hours. As the story progresses, Sebastian becomes aware of sexual interference against him by an idolized family member and becomes terrified that he is not only a victim but also a perpetrator.
In their sessions with Bailey, Sebastian and Evan seesaw back and forth over the pros and perils of porn. Bailey often turns to the writings of renowned psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. Winnicott’s theories about the maturation process describe the mother/baby dyad and the illusion of oneness essential for the discovery of separateness. In their musings to their partner SLEEPYHEAD, Bailey explains the path the infant takes, if all goes well, to differentiation of self from other—allowing the infant to find what’s real in the world—outside of omnipotent control. Bailey worries that their clients’ persistent use of mainstream porn can block this path and lead to the objectifying of others as body parts to be used without regard, thus distorting their way to healthy sexual intimacy.
On their journey towards self-acceptance, Evan pushes back on Bailey’s tendency to label certain sexual activities as dangerous but acknowledges that they lack the confidence needed to speak up during unwanted sexual activities. When reflecting on their sex with men, Evan considers the need for a ‘consent boot camp,’ admitting that sex was always about what men wanted—never about Evan.
Throughout the book, Bailey develops a theory that explains how porn is hijacking Evan and Sebastian and luring them farther and farther away from their authentic erotic fantasies. Eventually, Bailey can steer them back to their genuine impulses, where they are free to discover their unique sexual preferences.
But as Sebastian and Evan work through their demons in therapy, Bailey’s own resurface. As a result, Bailey doubts their competence and whether they’re actually “doing no harm,” as their training prescribes.
When the reader is invited into the therapy sessions for the last time, Evan and Sebastian are less troubled by their sexual concerns. Evan is reclaiming their voice by seeking to teach younger people about healthy sexuality and consent, and Sebastian is coming to terms with his past with the help of a partner he feels safe with.
Bailey’s musings to Sleepyhead at the end of the novel signal that the conversation continues—porn isn’t going away, and there’s plenty of work to be done.
Dear Acquisitions Editor,
I’m seeking a publisher for my first novel, kNOw PORN, kNOw SEX, a sex-positive ‘fly on the wall’ story about the turmoil of sexuality and the shame we don’t talk about. The completed manuscript of 68,000 words is written entirely in dialogue. I chose this style to draw the reader into the core of the characters’ stories and to make the book accessible to a diversity of readers.
The novel is about understanding online porn use, lifting the weight of childhood sexual trauma, and unraveling gender constructs. It affirms that no one needs to suffer confusion in silence and invites the reader to join the conversation. Online porn isn’t going away, and the sexual health of our children, and their children, is at stake.
The narrative switches between the stories of a queer psychotherapist Bailey and two young adult clients.
Evan, a 20-something queer adult, wants to understand the underlying cause of their gender identity confusion, anger, and sexually reckless behavior. Why is it so difficult to say what they want and especially what they don’t want when having sex? And why is it easier to have sex with a stranger than it is to have a conversation with them?
Sebastian is a bit older than Evan and unsure whether therapy is right for him. What he is sure of is that he can’t cope with his nightmares alone anymore, and he is absolutely terrified that he might be gay. Why is the porn he watches different from the sex he is having? Why does he wake up crying at night?
The reader is eavesdropping on fictionalized therapy sessions, based on autobiographical material, and follows them both on a journey toward insight and acceptance.
Between conversations with clients, Bailey thinks out loud to their partner, Sleepyhead, about psychoanalytic theories, and considers their clients’ distressing stories, their own difficult upbringing, and the secret shame they all carry.
I am a queer, non-binary, psychoanalytic psychotherapist. I’ve worked for 20 years in an LGBTQ+ positive practice with young adults in Toronto. I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse with 20+ years of personal therapy. I know dissociation for self-preservation, gender confusion from the inside out, and how to interpret the idiosyncratic meaning of sexual fantasies.
In 2015, I presented a workshop at the Annual Guelph Sexuality Conference, University of Guelph, entitled: “Ecstatic Pleasures/Deep Shame—Unraveling the Dark Fantasies that Turn You On,” and in 2018, I led a workshop with a group of Toronto therapists entitled: “Talking Sex.”
I enclose the first three chapters and a synopsis. I look forward to hearing from you.